My LiFe....interesting? sad? pathetic?

Yesterday night, something happen to me..i dont know what it is, but i fall into something...which is like a recap of my life...and i felt inside of me, like as though someone asking me, "if you were given a chance to start your life all over again, do you want to exchange your life with others? with a life that is filled with fun and laughter, peace and joy?" and then i stopped to think about my life, all the things that i've faced in my life, and i wrote it all in my diary...and i'm gonna share some over here...and i told myself, that i will not exchange my life, even if i were to have to start my life again with the same thing that i've to go through...because i found out that in many other people life, they didn't faced as many things as i go through, and it seems boring..as i think that all these things are those stuff that really make me grow...thank God for that...


these are some of the things that i wrote in my diary which is summarised:

though i'm only 16 pluz, turning 17 in 3 days time, but all these are the things that i go through:

i have go through the feeling of guilt and being accused. why? you are juz a kid..a primary school kid...and why do you have to go through this? well, to tell you the truth, my dad' dad is still alive when i was born..but after a few months, he passed away..and last time, my dad side always have events...some religious events..and we have got to be there...dad was the "tang ki" or something on that day, mum was helping out somewhere, and sis..i dont know where she is...then one of my relative came up to me...telling me that she has something to talk to me...then she started talking about grandpa...and she is quite superstitious..and she said something tat means that it is my fault for the death of my grandpa...i know that he has been looking after me or seeing me when he was alive, but that does not mean that i'm the one that cause his death...bt well, i didn't tell anyone about it...and even now, i felt that i've accused of things i've not done...imagine, you as a kid, has to go through this...
not only that, during my primary school days, my dad did go to work..and i was looked after by a nanny..and that nanny sort of physically abuse me...and that is not good...that is why even till today, i hate the fact of someone touching me in that way..it reminds me of her...yucks...
at that time also, mum and dad are so busy working, they've got no time for us...and to me, when i look at my schoolmates and classmates, i felt so sad...how come my parents dont bring me out, they dont really talk much to me and such...i felt the feeling of abandonment. But still, i told no one about it..and to tell you the truth, from young, i can remember things that i go through, but all the while, i told no one how i felt...
Primary 5 and 6, i transferred school...i thought things will get better, but it didn't...dad started to gamble even more...and he will sort of blame us when he lose...and he doesn't really care about the family, all he care about is money...and during this period of time, i juz got used to the school environment, but well, i was still kind of lost...and well, if anybody were to know at that time wat i go through, i would have probably got into counselling...
from young, i can see things, and as i'm going the feeling of lonliness, those kind of things started to come...i talked to them...it seems like they are the ones that really cares...but closely, i found out that it is not sane to do that...so i stop that..but i still can see it...then i started to get panicked, fear crepts into my life, and i'm like a broken mirror, that is beyond repair.
and in primary 6, after the PSLE, i got into mild alcoholism, nobody knows it...except for me...i drink to make myself feel happy....and imagine seeing your parents hitting their own spouse..and i was shocked, confused, dont know wat to do...
in secondary school, i hang out with the wrong people, thinking that i can find love through them..that they love me, they care for me..but thank God, i didn't turn till tat bad, and get into girls' home....and at that time, i found a bible...and i know that there is one, that loves me for who i am..that is God....but still, i felt cheated...someone gave me BS...and it wasn't good...so i got fedup of things, and i stopped going to the BS...and i think that my life sucks..and i nearly committed suicide...
sec 2 was alright for me, but i felt real unhappy, people leaving me and such...
sec 3, i admitted to my teachers when they kept prompting me where that Kenneth did copied during the test...and well, at that time, i stand on my belief, so i said yes...but the teacher betrayed me...and i felt betrayed...he said he wont tell him that i was the one that told him...and i hated him ever since then..then, the whole class started to bully me...and i felt like an outcast, all 38 students going against you...and those in other class knew about it, and they also try not to be seen with me...and i feel into depression, got the feeling of desertment, and at that time, i was super duper sick of my life, and i hated everything and everyone...that includes myself..but thank God for His people..for some people in the cg, they helped me through by showing me their love...and though my depression got better, i started to hear voices in my head...and it sucks big time.....
then the person that i like left....he left juz like that.....and day and night and night and day, i've been thinking about him, and i know how it is like to miss someone real badly..

so, to those who think that i lead a good life, think again...wats more, i experience the death of many people...and in their funeral, i could see them..how eerrie can that get? and well, i was nearly drowned 3 times..and that wasn't funny..so stop laughing..so i've been through times where i nearly lost my life...and many people ask me, why didn't i seek help from my parents? teachers? friends? well, to tell you the truth, i shut myself from people..my parents, dont even bother....my mum work day and night and night and day, she come home, i was asleep...i woke up, she's sleeping, i go to school, she go to work...i came back from school, she's still not back...so how? then you say weekend...and our weekend was spent doing nothing much...and sometimes, she's not around....how about your dad? he's a sucker....that cares about money..so why bother?




i know many of you peeps that when you see this, you would feel like talking to be about it..and i dont know why im writting all these here...its like washing dirty linen in public..but i can't stand it anymore..and it is hurting me so badly, that i dont know wat to do..and yesterday night was so horrible..no one besides me...and i was so afraid....but no one was there to help me...but i know that God is there...thank God...so would i still want to exchange my life? no...coz i know without all these, i wouldn't grow...and someone else commented this, "didn't your parents teach you ...blah blah blah.." no, they didn't...and stop reminding me about my family...thanxs..and plz, dont talk to me about anything..i knw i need counselling..bt i went before, and i was so pissed off with that person, that i took my bag and go out of the room....haha! yeah..i thought i got over it like how long ago, but yesterday, for no reasons, all these crept back to me....