Alright, time to blog before i study. september has ended. i thought it is still a long way till october, and wow. juz like a blink of an eye. that fast. this is gonna be a long entry, so stay with me if you can.

ok, i dont know why, but i've got this very strong desire to blog about my aunt's wake. second day. do you know why i go for service? well, on friday, when we got home, i have already msged uncle Freddie, to see if he is going in the evening. and at that time, mum dont really want me to go for service. and so i said to God, "God if you really want me to go for service, let my phone have a sms from my uncle when i come back to my bed." then well, true enough, few seconds later, my phone vibrated. and thank God for that. i went for service. then blah blah blah. uncle Freddie come and pick me up. thank God for him. reached Holland Nursery. it was so crowded, worst then the day before. the food was alright. mum's cgl and cg members came. and even her previous cgl came also. her colleague came also. wow. well, i've a chat with them. they are the ONLY people who sent their condolence to me. haha. so i and all my other cousins stayed till quite long. and we stayed there overnight. we helped out in the various things to prepare for 2morrow. and after that, all of the aunties and uncles went home, but we "kids" stayed behind, and we played mahjong. overnight mahjong. kind of fun, but at the same time, it was super duper cold. so blah blah blah.

3rd day, i and sis joined in with the prayer. we only bow, we did take any joss stick, coz we are not supposed to. and well, i have bowed so many times that i lost count of how many times i have bowed. and we are supposed to walk around the coffin and say our last conversation with aunty Doris. when we walked round and round and round, every single round brings about the times that we go to her house and such. memories juz flood into my heart, so much as i wanted to cry, i can't. im like being watched like an eagle, my dad he don't allow me to cry. coz he thinks that i'm a human without feelings. but i like this aunty a lot. and well, it rained. before we are supposed to walk the last journey. but exactly at 12.30, the rain stopped. so we managed to walk the last journey without having to walk in the rain. when we walked the last journey, thoughts juz flood into my mind. aunty Lacey was standing behind me while we are at the cremation place. we watched the coffin being slowly transmitted to the cremation thingy. it is then that i realised, why i dont feel that sad when i'm at the wake, or when i know the news. it is beside her physical being is still around, so i thought that she is still there, but when now, her physical being is no longer here, all i could say is how i miss her, and not anything else. i can tolerate someone's death, but not when the person is absolutely....gone....

well, i think that God has really planned this real well. thank God for that. coz friday i've got a paper, my GP paper. and i know about the news only after my paper. then on sunday, i was so dead beat that i slept through. thank God monday there's no paper, but only on thursday. and i think that from this, i've learnt quite a no. of things, and sort of like i know some people better, as in their true self. people like my dad. i dont like him, coz he's not a person who treasures relationship. he has got no feelings at all, no concern for my cousins and such. urgh. he's not a family-person. i dont like it. thats why we got deprived. next, the family of my aunt, not her real family, but her "family"..all is so fake. all they ever think of is themselves. if you dont want to be there, you dont have to. dont go for the sake of going. if you dont mean to cry, dont. dont be a hypocrite, thats the worst thing a man can be. and i HATE it. probably, at some point in my life, i'm a hypocrite, and yes, but i'm not that bad to that extend.

dogs have feelings too. Coco hide under the bed when we are supposed to bring him to the cremation thing. i tried to bring him out, but he doesnt want to come out. there's tears in his eyes. and when the maid tries to bring him out, he wants to bite the maid. oh well. so all i did is crawl under the bed and juz pat him on his head. and before that, i went to grandma's room with samuel without knocking on the door. coz i assume that only grandma was there. but when i enter, i saw the maid in tears, red in her eyes, sobbing away, and when she saw us, she juz wipe it off, trying to hide, and until someone call her out, she tried to talk to us in a normal tone. when she was out, and i gave up trying to get Coco out, i talked to grandma. i know she doesn't know what i'm saying, she can't even remember anything, so how can she even know me? well, but i still tell her that, that i feel so sad and such. there's tears in her eyes, and i do think that she knows what is going on, especially if it is her own daughter. seeing grandma and remembering my aunt, it is enough, for me to break down...bt i choose not to..exams round the corner. i need to get a hold of myself. if euthanasia is allowed in singapore, i think my grandma would have want it, seeing her in that way is really hurting me...she is really suffering so much.

i never believe this, "a man for himself". i believe that no man is an island. the bible also said something about this also. if this is so, i shall ignore the person who said this...from now on...



*thanks Mr Benny for that make-up lesson for me when i didn't go for that important class on saturday. you are such a great teacher*