In year 2005, i lost aunt Doris to cancer.
In year 2006, i lost Mr Caesar.
In year 2007, i lost my grand uncle to cancer.

I realised that i do not know how to handle deaths. I still can't get over aunt Doris and Mr Caesar. When i received news of their death, i didn't weep straight away. I kept it in my heart. It will take a while for me to realise it. I hate this. Now i'm dealing with it again. I nearly cry on my way back to school. I dont know how to express myself. It seems so trapped inside of me.


My mum is such a great mother. She's afraid that i might get affected by it so she didn't call and inform me. She only told me when i call her and she knows that it is after school.

I messaged about 5 people. Only one send condolences. How pathetic. I'm going to the wake tomorrow.

My grand uncle. Seeing him in bed the other day really pains my heart. Probably it will be better if he go. But then again, heaven or hell? He cares for me even though i'm not really close to him. He cares. At least he did not care for me for benefits that i will give him something that he need. Many of my friends close to me are doing that. Knowing that i would treat them when they have got no money. Now, everytime they are saying to me, "you want to treat me?" how irritating.

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Besides God and mum, who is here with me?

I'm falling to pieces. This blow just adds on to the things that is going on......


I dont want to fall to pieces...i dont want to talk about it..i just want to cry...


Rantings from the heart.